My life in photos..

*PHOTO OVERLOAD*

A promise for a better tomorrow and a better me..

The past week and a half I have been in a real slump. I don't think it is a result from just one thing, I think its a bunch of things that have happened. It is like the saying goes, "when it rains, it pours." Everything happened at once. Had a fight with my sister which somehow involved my dad, having a constant battle with my weight lose, and then having my heart crushed by a douche of a guy. The fight with my sister shouldn't have really effected me but it has lasted for a week and a half now and I think the silent treatment I am getting from her is going to be pretty permanent. I have pretty much comes to terms with that. Her reasons for being mad at me are childish and immature and I can't keep worrying about it, I have let that go.

My constant battle with my weight has been going on for about forever now, not even kidding. Growing up I have always been just a little bit bigger than everyone else. I have never ever been the skinny girl, I really wouldn't know what that feels like. So i guess being overweight shouldn't really bother me considering I know no other way, but it does bother me so much. For once I would like to be the skinny girl, and if maybe not the skinny girl at least just 100 pounds lighter than I am now. That seems so far fetched and I don't think it will ever happen, but a girl can dream right? So here I go again back to dieting and exercising and hoping that I do reach my goal or at least come somewhere near it.

This whole guy situation I will admit has got me all messed up. I thought that I had a grip on the situation, I thought I knew what I was doing and I was NOT going to let this guy get the best of me. Wow hello Ashley how about a quick reality check.. you did not have a grip on the situation and you most definitely let him get the best of you. He did everything right. Its like he was in my head and knew exactly what I wanted and what I was thinking and he spoke the words out loud to me and I never even saw it coming. Shoot, the first time I saw him I never even gave him a second glance. I really can't express how I regret so much from those few short days that was spent with him. There isn't anything I can do now to fix it and I am not really sure If it would even matter anyway. BLAH..... My new plan, "My plan is to forgive and forget, forgive myself for being stupid and forget you ever existed."


I feel so alone. Even though i am surrounded by tons of people daily, I still feel just so alone. How is that even possible? I have a couple of really good friends. Friends that I know are there for me no matter what. Then I have some friends who are only really around when its convenient for them or when they need something or need to talk about something. I find it so hard to erase these people from my life, even though I know I should. It's really way too hard to just forget these people especially when they need someone.. I guess I am just too nice. I guess that makes me the better person?

So here is my promise to myself. Tomorrow is going to be the start of better days. I am gong to try to focus more on being happy with myself and taking this weight loss thing one day at a time and know that it will eventually happen if I just work hard. I have to remember that even though I may have plenty of flaws that I will never be able to fix that that is me and thats what makes me who I am. I am going to put everything else in Gods hands. The whole boy that I can't get over, the friends that turn their back on me and only use me, the sister that is holding a grudge over something REALLY stupid, and the weight loss thing, from now it's all in Gods hands, because God has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."- Hebrews 13:5


So heres the start to a better tomorrow and a better me.

I never told you..

Thank you Colbie Caillat for the chorus that pretty much sums up everything for me...

But I never told you

What I should have said

No, I never told you

I just held it in

And now,

I miss everything about you

Can't believe that I still want you

And after all the things we've been through

I miss everything about you

Without you

I have no one else to blame...

Sometimes I think that we waste our words. And we waste our moments. And we don't take the time to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance.

-One Tree Hill

Okay, this quote could not be anymore more perfect for the way I have felt the past week and a half. Seriously. The few moments and the few chances that I had to say what I needed to say, I let them slip by. How do you finally just give in and get over the fear of saying what you really want to say? I haven't ever really been able to do that. I haven't ever really been able to tell anyone in any situation what I really think or how I really feel about something. I don't think it has really ever made a difference before, but I finally came across a situation where not saying what I really felt did matter. Looking back on the situation I think I should have said this, and I should have said that, but I didn't and the not knowing what might have happened if I had just opened up a little bit and taken a chance.

It really just eats me up inside not knowing if it was my fault, or if it was really just a game?

oh the regret....