Quotes that explain exactly how I feel at this moment..

*There are certain people who are not meant to fit in your life, no matter how much you want them to.

*You're probably right...I'm sure I don't have any idea what you're going through. How hard it is to let someone go. How painful it must be to know that as right as you two are for each other, it doesn't mean you're right for each other right now. I wouldn't know a thing about that. About how it makes you want to scream, or hit someone...or cry.

*How did I go from turning the corner of possibility to nothing at all?

*Letting go isn't a one time thing, its something you do everyday, over and over again

*You wanted a kiss. Is that what you want? Are you prepared for everything that comes with that kiss? cause it doesnt just end with a fade out. There are repercussions. Hearts get broken. Friendships get ruined. Your entire life could fall apart because of one kiss. That's what you have to look foward to. Do yourself a big favor.. don't rush it

*There are not many people in this world with the ablility to give you butterflies, and if you dont tell those people how you feel, It'll be like spending the rest of your life in your own personal prison.

*"Stalker" sounds so negative. I prefer to think of myself as doggedly persistent.

*I'm scared that I'm going to end up alone. I'm scared that I'm always going to be somebody's friend, or sister, or confidant, never quite somebody's everything.

*a lot of people walk in and out of my life, but youre one of the only people i ever really wanted to stick around

*It's like your heart has been ripped out and stomped on. You.. you can't breathe, you don't want to eat, you can't function. It's the most intense pain that you'll ever feel, and there's no way to relieve it. It's unyielding, merciless torture, and you know its yours for life

*I think sometimes you have to lose someone completely before you can figure out what they really mean to you

*well guess what? it is, so sucks for you, huh? or maybe it doesn't. maybe you’re gonna get off easy after all, its only my heart that's gonna get even the slightest bit broken.

*And it sucks because I know he's out there falling in and out of love with girls...that aren't me

*I called because I wanted you to know that despite everything that's happened and all the miles between us right now, I still think about the way it was in the beginning

*i wasnt fighting with you, i was fighting with myself, because part of me wanted to send you running away and part of me just wanted to hold you tight

*What is this feeling? It just seems like everything is getting smaller and smaller. It's all still there, but I can't touch it. I think it's called goodbye.



...more to come later

UH

Just wanted to state that Grapefruit juice may be the grossest thing i have ever tasted..


but i am going to try to be brave and drink it... no pain no gain right... or in this situation no pain no loss.... :)

Grapefruit Diet..

I think I have decided that I am going to go on the grapefruit diet. I have lost about 25 pounds and I can't seem to lose anymore. Its frustrating but obviously what I have been doing is no longer working so I need to try something new. I wish I had more time in the day to be able to actually get a gym membership and go, but that is just very unrealistic for me. Instead I just work out at home to my exercise on demand (it really kicks my arse.) So anyway back to the topic at hand, the grapefruit diet. I am about to get off of work in 45 minutes and I plan to take my fat butt to the grocery store and purchase me some grapefruit juice (bleh) and a few other things that I can eat while on the diet and just give this a try. Hopefully I will be able to see some results fast. It's been said to help you lose 10 pounds within two weeks.

*Fingers Crossed*

Cinco De Drinko

I am so totally bummed that I can't go out and celebrate cinco de mayo. I have to work third shift so I will be stuck at work from 11pm to 7am. Lucky me. Luckily I have amazing friends and we have planned to go out Friday night instead. I am hoping this night out will do me good. Hopefully it will help me shake off this crappy feeling that I have been feeling for the past 3 weeks. I am ready to move on from this now and get over it. I am ready to stop thinking about it everyday and pick up and move on with my life. There is no need to keep living in t he past. I am trying to come to terms that this will just be a regret that I will just have to learn a lesson from. So hopefully I can start to do that soon and move on and be me again. I am ready to be me again.

Nothing new has really gone on. I realized today how lucky I really am. No matter how much they drive me crazy I have a mom and dad that love me no matter how many times I screw up. I have 2 best friends who are amazing and I don't know how I would have made it through all this the past 3 weeks had it not been for them. I have a great job with great bosses who I can laugh and joke with, which makes for a great work environment, and I have two great dogs whom are like my children. So take away all the stupid boy drama and I would have to say my life is pretty perfect.

Oh how could I forget, we did get two new family members. We got two baby chicks who are so cute. I will be sure to take pictures of them tomorrow and post them.

I leave you with a quote that I found that just seems to explain exactly just how I am feeling at the moment.

Hope everyone has a safe and be great cinco de mayo!!

I'm not broken - only slightly damaged. Self-inflicted - I would never give you that victory. I am bitter and I am hurt and I am ready to move on from this. The process is slow and agonizing, but so is life and so I deal.

And rest assured i'm moving on. I miss you less, with each day youre gone

Seriously, how come the guys we want never follow through with any of the plans they make? Why do you say "I really want to see you", or "I really want to be with you", or "I will call you later". Honestly, what is the point in wasting your breath if you don't mean it. It's not like I am standing next you with a gun to your head saying if you don't call me I am going to pull the trigger. I really don't get it. Don't ask for my number if you don't plan on using it. Don't say you want to see me again if you really don't, especially when I really would never see you again so it isn't like it would be awkward seeing you everyday because I wouldn't. Seriously, when you do things like that it does make me wish I had some sort of object that I could really cause some pain with.

In attempts to get over mister douche bag I have tried to move on and get over him, because thats what you do right? get over guys that doesn't call? Isn't that a movie? He's Just not that into you.. (maybe I should watch it again and take some tips.) Anyway, to get over him or at least try to get him out of my brain, I went out with a guy who was a nice guy, and I mean a REALLY nice guy. A guy who called me everyday to tell me good morning and see how my morning was going and called me during the day and then at night to tell me goodnight. A guy who I am sure would have continued to do that had I let things go on. I couldn't get over this douche bag. I kept thinking of him in the back of my mind and wishing it was him that I was on the phone with, or him that I was out to dinner with. Wondering what it would be like to be out with him instead of this nice guy. So needless to say I had to let the nice guy go. I couldn't do it. I couldn't pretend to have feelings for someone that I don't just to try to get over a guy, it's not fair to the nice guy. So now the nice guy barely even talks to me, I don't think he even knows that I exist anymore. Still yet I have no feelings for him.

Today, a guy that I have had my eye on for about 4 months now FINALLY asked me for my number. After days, weeks, months of hearing how beautiful he thinks I am and how I should have a boyfriend seriously 5 months of knowing him and hearing this and he FINALLY ask me for my number and says, "I will call you later today." Well does he? Of course not. I know its guy code and of course he isn't going to call when he actually says he will, but come on even douche bag called the two days that he said he was going to call.

I am going crazy here. Why can't I just find a good guy that I am actually interested in and have feelings for? Or why can't one of these douche bag guys just step up to the plate and actually follow through with what they say they are going to do. Is it really that hard? NO its really not... I can do it and clearly other guys can so what is their issue that they can't pick of the phone for just a 2 minute phone conversation? So seriously annoying...

My life in photos..

*PHOTO OVERLOAD*

A promise for a better tomorrow and a better me..

The past week and a half I have been in a real slump. I don't think it is a result from just one thing, I think its a bunch of things that have happened. It is like the saying goes, "when it rains, it pours." Everything happened at once. Had a fight with my sister which somehow involved my dad, having a constant battle with my weight lose, and then having my heart crushed by a douche of a guy. The fight with my sister shouldn't have really effected me but it has lasted for a week and a half now and I think the silent treatment I am getting from her is going to be pretty permanent. I have pretty much comes to terms with that. Her reasons for being mad at me are childish and immature and I can't keep worrying about it, I have let that go.

My constant battle with my weight has been going on for about forever now, not even kidding. Growing up I have always been just a little bit bigger than everyone else. I have never ever been the skinny girl, I really wouldn't know what that feels like. So i guess being overweight shouldn't really bother me considering I know no other way, but it does bother me so much. For once I would like to be the skinny girl, and if maybe not the skinny girl at least just 100 pounds lighter than I am now. That seems so far fetched and I don't think it will ever happen, but a girl can dream right? So here I go again back to dieting and exercising and hoping that I do reach my goal or at least come somewhere near it.

This whole guy situation I will admit has got me all messed up. I thought that I had a grip on the situation, I thought I knew what I was doing and I was NOT going to let this guy get the best of me. Wow hello Ashley how about a quick reality check.. you did not have a grip on the situation and you most definitely let him get the best of you. He did everything right. Its like he was in my head and knew exactly what I wanted and what I was thinking and he spoke the words out loud to me and I never even saw it coming. Shoot, the first time I saw him I never even gave him a second glance. I really can't express how I regret so much from those few short days that was spent with him. There isn't anything I can do now to fix it and I am not really sure If it would even matter anyway. BLAH..... My new plan, "My plan is to forgive and forget, forgive myself for being stupid and forget you ever existed."


I feel so alone. Even though i am surrounded by tons of people daily, I still feel just so alone. How is that even possible? I have a couple of really good friends. Friends that I know are there for me no matter what. Then I have some friends who are only really around when its convenient for them or when they need something or need to talk about something. I find it so hard to erase these people from my life, even though I know I should. It's really way too hard to just forget these people especially when they need someone.. I guess I am just too nice. I guess that makes me the better person?

So here is my promise to myself. Tomorrow is going to be the start of better days. I am gong to try to focus more on being happy with myself and taking this weight loss thing one day at a time and know that it will eventually happen if I just work hard. I have to remember that even though I may have plenty of flaws that I will never be able to fix that that is me and thats what makes me who I am. I am going to put everything else in Gods hands. The whole boy that I can't get over, the friends that turn their back on me and only use me, the sister that is holding a grudge over something REALLY stupid, and the weight loss thing, from now it's all in Gods hands, because God has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."- Hebrews 13:5


So heres the start to a better tomorrow and a better me.

I never told you..

Thank you Colbie Caillat for the chorus that pretty much sums up everything for me...

But I never told you

What I should have said

No, I never told you

I just held it in

And now,

I miss everything about you

Can't believe that I still want you

And after all the things we've been through

I miss everything about you

Without you

I have no one else to blame...

Sometimes I think that we waste our words. And we waste our moments. And we don't take the time to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance.

-One Tree Hill

Okay, this quote could not be anymore more perfect for the way I have felt the past week and a half. Seriously. The few moments and the few chances that I had to say what I needed to say, I let them slip by. How do you finally just give in and get over the fear of saying what you really want to say? I haven't ever really been able to do that. I haven't ever really been able to tell anyone in any situation what I really think or how I really feel about something. I don't think it has really ever made a difference before, but I finally came across a situation where not saying what I really felt did matter. Looking back on the situation I think I should have said this, and I should have said that, but I didn't and the not knowing what might have happened if I had just opened up a little bit and taken a chance.

It really just eats me up inside not knowing if it was my fault, or if it was really just a game?

oh the regret....